Erotic sexual denial [BDSM]

Erotic sexual denial is a popular form of sexual activity whereby sexual gratification for one or both partners is delayed or “denied” sexual experiences in order to increase erotic arousal and/or tension. It is commonly used as sex play within the context of a mild dominance and submission relationship, though it can also be a solo practice. When used in the context of dominance and submission, the dominant partner is often encouraged to prioritize their own sexual pleasure over that of their submissive partner. The submissive partner receives gratification from providing sexual pleasure to their partner and from the feelings of vulnerability and tension that come from having their own sexual pleasure controlled by another. The prohibited sexual experience can be narrowly or broadly defined for a specific or indeterminate length of time, depending on the practitioner. The experience withheld can be any favored or desired sexual activities, such as specific acts or positions, provided it is something the practitioner wants.

Orgasm control practices like edging are well-known varieties of erotic sexual denial in which a person is kept in a heightened state of sexual arousal for an extended length of time without orgasm. Edging often ends with a delayed orgasm, unlike the similar practice of orgasm denial which typically does not lead to orgasm. Chastity devices such as penile chastity cages, cock harnesses or chastity belts can be used as a physical barrier to restrict an individual’s ability to self-pleasure during periods of sexual denial.

Though not necessary to practice tease and denial, some practitioners find that these devices heighten feelings of submissiveness and empowerment between partners. Another frequently mentioned variety is the use of dice or other games of chance by couples to determine how long a person is to be withheld oral and/or penetrative sex, etc., from their partner. Erotic sexual denial is commonly, but not exclusively, practiced in association with BDSM and sexual bondage.

Denial practices

Tie and tease

Bondage techniques are commonly used to restrain the person being sexually denied, allowing them to experience their powerlessness more intensely. This practice is typically called “tie and tease” and can be thought of as extended tease and denial games. This practice is often an integral part of sexual denial. In discussions between BDSM partners, negotiation usually focuses on the activities which may or may not be agreed to. Tie and tease activities are physically as well as psychologically intense, because the strong feelings of sexual frustration are escalated by the sensation of helplessness induced by bondage.

Tease and denial

Tease and denial is a situation where a person is stimulated until they are close to orgasm, then stimulation is stopped, keeping the person on the brink of orgasm. It is sometimes referred to as “edging”. This is similar to orgasm control, but without the promise of orgasm at the end.

If orgasm still occurs after removal of stimulation, it typically brings less pleasure than usual, and is considered a “ruined orgasm”, as opposed to being a “denied orgasm” (which can sometimes lead to epididymal hypertension for both men and women). Alternatively (for men), the release of semen during the emission phase of ejaculation might be prevented by some sort of constriction (“blocked orgasm”). Depending on the relationship, subjects might be repeatedly teased to the point of orgasm several times, but without actual orgasm, causing feelings of intense arousal and psychological need.

Total denial

The practice of total sexual denial usually includes total avoidance of genital stimulation to the penis or vulva. This often involves the use of a physical barrier or device, such as a chastity belt or cage. Chastity belts or similar locking devices are available for all genders. Depending on the situation, sexual arousal may still be possible regardless of physical barriers to genital stimulation. This, however, depends on the belt used.

Male strap-on harness

A strap-on dildo may be worn by a male to still allow penetrative vaginal sex to the female while denying the male partner the ability to orgasm, and the male then may also wear a chastity device. This is distinct from pegging, as the strap-on in this case replaces the penis of the male. This can be seen as a form of total denial if the strap-on replaces the penis throughout the whole duration of the play, or as a form of teasing if the strap-on is only used during foreplay. In the last case, the strap-on can be used to prolong penetrative sex and thus sexually satisfy the female partner in case the male suffers from premature ejaculation.

As a form of control

Erotic sexual denial is sometimes used by a dominant to increase their control over a submissive. Because the submissive is kept in a state of sexual need and vulnerability, they are more likely to take a compliant stance with the dominant; failure to comply can result in additional teasing or an extended period of denial, among other punishments.

Orgasm denial practices can allow the dominant to exercise control over many aspects of the submissive’s life. As such, they are often (though not always) practiced as an extension or enhancement of a broader BDSM relationship, or as a means of establishing one. They can allow the dominant to experience enjoyable and sometimes intensely craved feelings of sexual control and erotic power, and the submissive can enjoy intense feelings of sexual objectification and submission to the dominant.

Orgasm denial can also be used to increase a submissive’s tolerance for physical stimulation, as training in holding back an orgasm, or to allow the submissive to orgasm on command; as a way to maintain a heightened state of sexual arousal in the submissive, or as a means of erotic humiliation desired by either the submissive or the dominant.

Erotic humiliation can also help enforce the dominants’ position in the relationship. Orgasm denial is often accompanied by other forms of erotic humiliation such as forcing the submissive to do chores, crossdress, or consume bodily fluids. These can be used as punishments, as conditions for release, or simply at the discretion of the dominant.

Gallery

See also

Coitus reservatus

Cuckold fetish

Cuckquean fetish

Delayed ejaculation

Female domination

Forced feminization

Forced orgasm

Erotic humiliation

Eroto-comatose lucidity – a form of erotic sexual denial

References

Further reading

Georgia Ivey Green, A KeyHolder’s Handbook, Georgia Ivey Green, 2013

Georgia Ivey Green, Ultimate Guide to Tease and Denial, CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform, 2015

Ken Addison, Around Her Finger, Venus, 2004

Lucy Fairbourne, Male Chastity: A Guide for Keyholders, Velluminous Press, 2015

Elise Sutton, Female Domination, LULU, 2003

Barbara Wright Abernathy, Venus on Top, Oakhill Press, 2010

Georgeann Cross, Sexual Power for Women, Georgeann Cross, 1997