Aftercare (BDSM)

Aftercare refers to the process of providing emotional, psychological, and/or physical support to participants following BDSM activities. These activities can be mentally, emotionally, and/or physically intense, often leaving participants in need of comfort, reassurance, or physical tenderness. Aftercare may also involve a review or debriefing of the session to reflect on the experience and address any concerns and/or successes.

Overview

Participants may experience a range of emotions after a scene, from exhilaration to exhaustion or, in some cases, distress. While aftercare often includes physical closeness, such as hugging, kissing, hair-stroking, or cuddling, it can also involve verbal affirmations, gratitude, or even “vanilla” sexual activities like fellatio. Additionally, some participants may prefer to be alone or other ways of processing their experiences, particularly if they feel unsafe or need rest.

Contrary to common assumptions, aftercare is not limited to submissive participants alone. Dominant participants may require equal or greater levels of support depending on the intensity of the scene, their experience, and personal needs. The need for aftercare is highly individual and unrelated to a participant’s role as dominant or submissive.

In long-distance BDSM relationships, aftercare can include the exchange of emotionally significant items to provide reassurance and maintain connection. The effectiveness of such practices depends on the emotional investment of both parties.

Emotional after-effects

Emotional responses to BDSM activities can vary significantly, ranging from euphoria to feelings of sadness or depression. While these responses are not exclusive to BDSM, studies highlight the prevalence of such experiences. For instance, research published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that 46% of women and 41% of men polled reported feeling depressed after sex at least once in their lives. Although these studies were conducted on a limited population, they emphasize the importance of addressing emotional aftereffects as part of aftercare.

Building trust and communication

Trust and communication are foundational to BDSM practices. Partners are encouraged to clearly express their desires, establish boundaries, and agree on a safeword or signal to stop activities if necessary. Aftercare, which often includes affectionate and caretaking behaviors, is essential for decompressing after a scene and strengthening intimacy between participants. These practices not only promote emotional recovery but also help reinforce trust through post-scene discussions, allowing partners to address what worked and what didn’t.

Common aftercare practices

Aftercare practices can vary widely depending on individual preferences and the intensity of the BDSM scene. Some common practices include:

Cuddling: Cuddling is a low-energy activity that helps release oxytocin, a hormone known for reducing stress and increasing intimacy.

Rehydration and Snacks: Drinking water and having snacks nearby can replenish energy and provide comfort after an intense scene.

Addressing Minor Injuries: For those engaging in more extreme forms of BDSM, such as blood or knife play, aftercare may involve disinfecting and patching up wounds to ensure safety and well-being.

Sleeping Together: Taking a nap or sleeping together fosters intimacy and physical connection, often accompanied by more cuddling.

Watching a Movie: A lighthearted or funny movie offers a way to relax completely while sharing cuddles and snacks.

Recounting the Scene: Partners may discuss the scene, sharing what they liked, disliked, or wish to try in the future. This communication builds trust and ensures mutual understanding.

Kissing or Slow Sex: For some, slow and sensual sexual activity can function as a form of aftercare, helping reconnect participants to themselves and their partner rather than their roles during the scene.

Words of Affirmation: Affirming your partner by telling them they are loved and safe, or praising their performance, can provide reassurance and emotional support.

Massage: Gentle massages, accompanied by soothing music and dim lighting, allow partners to wind down while sharing physical affection.

References

Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission ISBN 978-0-679-76956-9